Dispatch from Iron Mountain
PRESS RELEASE update:
re: Dynamic Anti Rove Propaganda Assimilation Systems (DARPAS).
DARPAS early warning "GOPlie Detection Assessment and Management" initiative, or GOP-DAM, as it's referred to by insiders - announces plans for the future testing and release of its LieLog(tm) "ontology-based (sub) system-branch" technology.
LieLog(tm), a proposed "digital super diary" software program capable of measuring the evasions, half-truths, concoctions, fabrications, heroic fictions, frauds, fakery, misinformation, misrepresentations, distortions, falsifications, slanders, sleights of hand, stage managed leadership cult pageants and other deceptive "transactional data streams" spewing from Bush administration officials, Right Wing Think Tank smokestacks, bewitched media wind-chimes and borderline homicidal locos who are apparently serious when they says stuff like this: "It will be the death of this country when hot-blooded, Latin-American macho people bomb the crap out of China or whomever gets in their way...".
DARPAS technicians, working with software engineers from the VLWC, Alterman Research Labs, the Janeane Garofalo Project for a New Century, and the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration, have been conducting beta testing of the LieLog(tm) system.
Final release and implementation of the system is slated for later this year or early next year. Engineers explain that this new "cognitive" technology is just the tool for uprooting rogue "cognitive dissonance". Thereby making it possible to detect, isolate, and catalog vast amounts of "episodic memory" relating to everything from disseminated Defense Department fabrications to simple minded bald faced twaddle. Mysterious lurid tales of menacing WMD's poised to pounce and twisted fuzzy-math economic sorceries will be flushed out like grouse from a stand of hawthorn.
The system has even further implications for the media, explain experts. For instance, by feeding a small sensor device into a hole in the back of a test subject's head, and attaching it to the lower cranial nerve, scientists and technicians can monitor the test subject's physical activity around the clock. Technicians using a test dummy's head such as the one attached to the thorax of that shifty MSNBC GOP anchor-operative Joe Scarborough, or a self aggrandizing gawk like Michael Savage, can record and monitor the subjects televised burblings and obloquies using the LieLog(tm) falsification detection software. These same programmers and research personnel - working deep inside the DARPAS Iron Mountain research facility near Monticello, NY - will then be able to instantly capture, analyze and isolate each greasy Savage squirm or split second reptilian flick of the Scarborough tongue, before either have a chance to slither off into the ether unaccountable for their own slippery residue trail.
Deceptions and dissemblances and outright verbal hooey, including physical mannerisms such as flatulence, sneers, twitching eye movements, and other jerking motions will all be processed, analyzed, and entered into a permanent database for future study by anthropologists and historians.
LieLog(tm) will also feature a LieLog(tm) early warning, "Lie - On The Ground!" warning/notification service. Alerts will be fed via wireless digital uplink to a NOAA weather satellite orbiting the sun, bounced back to a Alterman Labs mobile relay station hidden in the Pine Barrens of New Jersey, and forwarded to media and emergency GOPlie management officials nationwide. The moment a GOP lie/spin-rotation event is detected a watch alert is issued, followed by a "Lie - On The Ground!" early detection warning. Both will be broadcast to the public via television, radio, and specialized emergency management early warning GOPlie tracker networks across the country and around the world.
"Yes sir", remarked one unnamed expert source, "If Dick Cheney wants to run around his secret undisclosed bunker location wearing nothing but a Bora Bora Booney hat and a pair of underpants pulled up over his nipples, yelling… 'I've got your weapon of mass destruction right here baby!'… well then, we'll all know about it."
Bush administration officials and GOP operatives posing as mainstream journalists were clearly shocked by the announcement that such a system was even being developed. White House spokesperson and free press advocate Ari Fleischer responded immediately to news of the DARPAS project by announcing, "Thats it! I will not be subjected to further encroachments on my freedom and privacy. I quit. I'm outta here in a month."
Other Bush administration officials expressed anger at the news. Attorney General John Ashcroft, voice quivering like a plucked harpsichord string, stated, "We will not tolerate the trickeries of Mammon. My sins are held in sacred trust between the Almighty and myself! There is nothing in the Bible or the US Constitution that says it is wrong or dishonest to lie on behalf of the one Lord and Savior and the higher Laws of God and the Christian Nation our founding fathers envisioned!"
Sean Hannity, FoxNewsCorpGOPClearChannels on-air hood ornament, demanded a full-scale military ground and air assault be launched immediately against Clinton Corners, NY. Just because.
Andrew Sullivan, sniffing a fifth column countermine in the wind, was reportedly sighted crossing the border into Quebec from New Hampshire, just north of Canaan, with a French Canadian mink trapper named Jules Petain who he'd met earlier in the week while vacationing in Provincetown. An eyewitness who allegedly spoke with the pair near Wallace Pond suggested that the two may be fleeing westward to join the Northern Homeland Conservatives and Sons of Saxony Resistance Front, alleged to be active in British Columbia.
Some close to the White House dismissed alarmist concerns about the DARPAS technology. When asked what Mr. Bush's response was to the press release, one official close to Mr. Bush remarked, "I don't think Mr. Bush is concerned. I don't think he's even read a press release. Mr. Rumsfeld presented the President with a set of complex problems to work with earlier in the day and the President has been very very busy all afternoon trying to fit the pieces together on behalf of our humble national salvation."
Meanwhile, Rupert Murdoch - just, "your regular, ordinary billionaire media mogul", could not be reached for comment. But a nervous representative for Murdoch's NewsCorp seemed concerned when she indicated that the "regular, ordinary billionaire media mogul" guy was laying low at a remote undisclosed hotel ski resort location somewhere in central Italy's Arbruzzi mountains. Apparently waiting to be rescued by Michael Powell and a "mission redefined" FCC Special Operations commando unit known as the Jagdverbande.
Well, it's certainly a brave new century isn't it?
What was it songwriter Paul Simon said all those years ago? Oh yeah. Something about,"soldiers by the side of the road" and "the dead sand falling on the children" and "the mothers and the fathers and the automatic earth" - and "the way we look to a distant constellation, dying in a corner of the sky" / "a loose affiliation of millionaires and billionaires" / miracles and wonders and "the long distance call" / cameras following us in "slo-mo" / "staccato signals of constant information"... and a bomb, in a baby carriage,... "wired to the radio".
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The real thing:
DARPA
LifeLog
