Tosser

Just a righteous column mocking Boris.

For now, it feels remarkable to think that barely five weeks ago, the vast majority of Tory MPs were telling us Boris Johnson was the only possible answer to various questions. It turns out those questions were: “How would Dudley Dursley and Draco Malfoy’s baby look and behave?”, “What if you shaved the Honey Monster and put him in a suit for a court appearance?” and “Does anyone know the ancient Greek for shitting the bed?”.

Despite practising since boyhood, Boris Johnson’s entire demeanour is that of a man who has won a competition to lead the country for a day. He is Mike Bassett: England Prime Minister, yet wheels out jokes he’s done 437 times before as though he’s Frank Sinatra and reckons the crowd can’t wait to see him do My Way again. Johnson must be the only performer whose audience spends his gigs screaming: PLEASE, DO YOUR NEW STUFF.